Cyprus Eastern Forum Archive
|This is a text archive version of our main content. To view the full site with more information, features, formatting and images please click here.|
|Posted By: Milschoice04|
| In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
England, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the Microstation CAD drawings and specifications, saying
unto him, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain, which will last for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but He could see no Ark.
“Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade
about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should
have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because of the development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”
“Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them, and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the Red-backed shrike. I tried to
convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the shrikes, but they insisted that my actions were not in accord with English Nature’s Biodiversity Action Plan, so no go!”
“Getting it paid for is a nightmare. I thought there was money, but then
the government said they had slipped my slippage to cover their overspend, but if I could show I had spent it I could have it, but as I didn't have an output, I couldn't have spent it .. Lord.”
“When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”
“I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many people of Black and Minority Ethnic Origin I'm
supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with
Ark-building experience. I'm only allowed to use people who are 'hard to
reach' and they're hard to find, and then they're not qualified.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise have seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark, and that's without snagging, overruns and delivery reviews by all
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world, Lord?"
"No." said the Lord. "The Government has beaten me to it."|
|Posted By: kanebill|
| Sums it up neatly.|