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Jokes & Quizzes

THE PASTORS ASS The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local ...

New Ark

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old friend I want you to make me a new Ark ". Noah replies, "No problems El Supremo anything you want after all you're the guvnor'... " But God interrupts, "Ah, but the ...

Over 40? Get fit!!

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them ther ...

A Blonde Moment!

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. ...

MALE v FEMALE At ATM

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Cu ...

the wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my ...

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX: Global Facts . . .At Any Given Moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having se ...

Some for the Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What d ...

Rules for a happy life.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: 1. it’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. it’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. ...

feel like a woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up ...

night out

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:3 ...

maths

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Maths, so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her, "If I were to give you €20,000 minus 14%, how much would you ta ...

test tubes

'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. 'They contain two carefully synthesised ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genitically engineere ...

snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she ...

speeding ticket

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw ...

dinner invite

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I k ...

what do you mean chauvinist?

How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? - Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine wil ...

the genie

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I' ...

divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream runnin ...

crying husband

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her h ...

surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate ...

top ten

Here are the top ten things that men know about women! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. ...

dearly departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity ...

three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second sai ...

Old Ladies

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there ...

Kids in school

A group of kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 'You need to use Big People words,' she was always reminding them. ...

No-one on this forum needs to exersise

They get enough exersise Jumping to conclusions Flying off the handle Running down sponsors and mods Knifing others in the back Dodging responsibility And pushing their luck. Exersise? Oh no, No need for it her ...

Computer Helpdesk....

=========================== Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =========================== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Hav ...

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

Rural Australian Computer Terminology LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbiehotter. LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute. H ...

how to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he r ...

The importance of walking.

Walking can add minutes to your life, this enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 monthsw in a nursing home at £2000 per month.. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.. ...

Few more jokes

The Flight. My flight was being served by an obviously 'gay' flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend he came swishing down the aisle and t ...

Gordon the Fencepost Tortoise.

Gordon the Fencepost Tortoise. While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to ...

Iraqi footballer

Iraqi footballer Sir Alex Ferguson hears that there's a brilliant young footballer in Iraq, but is nervous about going there. A friend sets him up with a movie makeup artist, so that even his own family wouldn't recognis ...

Are you Greek...??

WHY GREEKS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS 1. 8:45am is too early for us to be up. 2. We are always late; we would have missed all the flights. 3. Pretty people on the plane distract us. 4. We would talk loudly and bring atte ...

Brown's Resignation

BROON RESIGNS (we all can dream) At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir ...

the cat with the hat

THE CAT IN THE HAT ON AGING... Just in case you weren't feeling too old today. The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1990. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up ...

grandmothers don't know everything

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two p ...

Some women just do not appreciate a good man

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over- ...

GRANDFATHERS

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter ...

joke

a rabbit goes in to a bar and asked for a pint and cheese toastie sits down and eats it gets up and goes for another but the bar person says only ham toasties left ok says the rabbit sits down eats it after a bit he gets up ...

affairs

The 1st > > Affair > > A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went > > to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke > > up at 8pm. ...

Passport Application

Don't you wish that you had written this? I bet he didn't get a reply!!! Subject: Passport Application Dear Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or belie ...

Some More Real Old Ones

A group of primary school kids are being accompanied to Aintree race course on a day out, to see and learn about race horses.When it was time to take the children to the toilets, it was decieded that one teacher would take t ...

6 Reasons not to mess with kids

6 reasons not to mess with children. (1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mam ...

black box recorder

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.' 'Why you gonna wear ...

And Then The Fight Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you ...

new boss

PRICELESS! If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new bo ...

Edinburgh Festival

One-Liners from The Edinburgh Festival: I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentat ...

and God said ?

God Said, Adam I ? Want you to do Something for me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?' God said, 'Go down into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a valley?' God explained it to him. ...