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Posted By: THEredtrike

Just few to start things of - and hopefully make you grin.
Quick one liners
I’m ready to listen ….. are you ready to think
Why do Psychics have to ask your name
Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable …… like a coma
Never go to bed angry……………stay up and plot your revenge
Have a nice day…………… somewhere else
Don’t believe everything you think
Does the little mermaid wear and Algebra?
Sssssssssh …………..that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
Don’t make me use UPPER CASE
If you have something to say just raise your hand…………….. and place it over your mouth ]
No dear, not tonight ……I have a modem
Real women don’t get hot flushes…………. they get power surges
You’re not yourself today………..I noticed the improvement immediately
Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
I’m busy now…can I ignore you some other time?
Don’t let your mind wander……..its too small to be let out on its own
You’re as pretty as a picture…….I’d like to hang you.
I’d like to give you a going away present………first, do your part
I hear you changed your mind at last…….what did you do with the diaper?
:lol:



Posted By: Steve - SJD

Stolen from somewhere: CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts. RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint. MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness. DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. :shave: Cheers Steve

Posted By: journeyman

I would be interested to see how many get this right!................Psychopath test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her
dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]














Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...



p.s,

how many will actually tell me they got it right!!!!



Graham

Posted By: THEredtrike

SHORTS What do you give a man that has everything………………………………penicillin Hear about the spiritualist midget who has recently escaped from jail……………………….Police say they are looking for a small medium at large How do you kill a circus…………………………………go for the juggler BLONDE A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I’d like to buy this TV” she told the salesman. “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes” he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV” “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes” he replied. “Darn he recognised me” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she approached the salesman again. “I would like to buy this TV” “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes” he replied. Frustrated she exclaimed “How do you know I’m blonde?” “Because that’s a microwave” he replied. BIT NEAR THE KNUCKLE :oops: Two mates were having a beer and discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked one. “Well in a way: I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead. TWO PRIESTS (EVEN NEARER) :oops: :oops: Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise that there is no SOAP Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees 3 nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and FREEZES like he is a STATUE. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look” she says “it’s a soap dispenser” To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood and sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. Guess where this is going yet Now the third nun decides that she will have a go as well. She pulls once – nothing happens Then she pulls twice and three times and still nothing happens She then gives several more tugs, then yells………………………. “Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too”

Posted By: Balconia

Ken ( Red trike) Superb as usual !! I'm off to work soon so i think i will copy both and take them with me. Sure to raise a laugh in the office ! Many Thanks Keep them coming !!

Posted By: THEredtrike

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. Creepy huh?

Posted By: journeyman

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him, swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness.The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Hope nobody Homesick out there. Graham :x

Posted By: Balconia

ken ( red trike) Many thanks for the info re the comparisons between Kennedy and Lincoln. My 15 year old son copied it out, took it into school, gave it to his History teacher and got a merit sticker for it. So many thanks from him too!





Posted By: journeyman

Useful tips > > 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a > jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage > is almost instantly removed. > > 2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always > circle > the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the > garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the > stain > and check that it has gone. > > 3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the > object you wish to view. > > 4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting > someone else to hold them while you chop away. > > 5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but > you'll also be getting paid for it. > > 6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a > chocolate > bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king > thing in the first place, you fat b****rds. > > 7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning > after, > you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of > washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. > > 8.Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by > filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then > urinating into it, before jumping in. > > 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip > a > handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. > > 10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. > > 11. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating > cakes again. > > 12. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an > inexpensive vibrator. > > 13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by > running a bit slower. > > 14. Smokers, save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next > fag > from the butt of your last one. > > 15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or > veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat > substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the > difference. > > 16. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of > cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order. > > 17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a > while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. > > 18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your > cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough > to insulate your roof. > > 19. 'Smart' car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car > before starting a long journey. You drive the things like > dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. > > 20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you > from > rolling over and going back to sleep. >

Posted By: journeyman

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh Graham

Posted By: THEredtrike

Subject: Seven degrees of Blondes FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me! THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W. FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Posted By: THEredtrike

Feel free to insert the supermarket of your choice A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's >birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. > >A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, >"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? > >He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the >counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the >sound it makes." > >She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. > >He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 >reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on >sale this week for only $20.00." > >She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it >dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" > >As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that >sounds like a Visa card," he says. > >She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is >really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. > >The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." > >The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it > >was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" > >He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is >$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Posted By: THEredtrike

Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning... If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A:A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you >>get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lung! s, and t he abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. (I do love this one...) Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Posted By: Balconia

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN??.. 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list. Made me smile anyway !!!

Posted By: Bobbeer

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.! Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing. THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.



Posted By: THEredtrike

No parent left behind...
I PROMISE YOU CANNOT READ THESE AND NOT LAUGH OUT LOUD! THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A TENNESSEE SCHOOL DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)
1. MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2. PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
3. DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4. PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5. PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6. JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7. CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8. MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9. CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10. PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11. PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE S**TS. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].
13. PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
14. IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
15. PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.
16. KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
17. PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
18. SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
19. MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
20. PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
21. PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
22. GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
23. PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
24. MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.

Posted By: Balconia

Ken ( Red Trike) I really like your sense of humour!!!

Posted By: THEredtrike

You are most welcome kind and gracious lady and not so far away as well :wink: more coming soon Ken

Posted By: Balconia

ken Good, can't wait! My son is taking the "science" one into school tomorrow !

Posted By: journeyman

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Posted By: THEredtrike

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife (Hot damn) Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take that and shove it. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free at Last!

Posted By: THEredtrike

This reminds me of ringing so many enquiry places and helplines these days The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: (best if you read it aloud) Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy..tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."



Posted By: THEredtrike

what can I say Keep the knives away from me and pass me that straight jacket

Posted By: THEredtrike

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. said: "Good till the last drop”. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Posted By: THEredtrike

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker said to him "You can have her shipped home for $5000, or bury her here in the Holy land for $500" The man thought about it and said that he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker said "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when it would be wonderful to be buried her, and you would only have to spend $500 ?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can`t take that chance".

Posted By: Balconia

ken ( Red Trike) It must be your northern sense of humour that appeals to me so. :lol: :lol

Posted By: Steve - SJD

Ken, Have to agree with Elizabeth - they went a bit far IMHO. So have pulled the last two because we do have some younger members. Cheers Steve

Posted By: THEredtrike

COCK-A-DOODLE-POO
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt only inches from the hare
MILLENIUM DOMES
The contents of a wonderbra
i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but actually theres not much in there worth seeing
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go
`Oo! Oo! Oo!, Aa! Aa! Aa!`
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus

Posted By: THEredtrike

A young and beautiful woman gets into a lift on the ground floor, smelly ofexpensive perfume and presses the 20th floor button. Then she turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce" Another young and beautiful womangets in on the next floor, also smelling of very expensive perfume. She also presses the 20th floor button and turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Chanel No. 5 - $150 an ounce." 3 floors later, the old woman reaches her destination. as the doors are about to open, she looks both women in the eyes, squeezes out a f*rt and says "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound". 16 floors to go



Posted By: boedel3

A man goes to the zoo. When he gets there, there was only a dog. It was a shitzu.

Posted By: Steve - SJD

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want, after all you're the guv' But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?" queries Noah. "Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor toceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old china, let me get this right, you want a NewArk?" "Correct". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Correct". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Correct". "Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. "Dunno", says God, v v v v v "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".’ :lol: I'll get my coat.......

Posted By: THEredtrike

An old couple are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctors for a check up. The doctor tells them that they are physically ok, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks him “where are you going?” “To the kitchen” he replies. “Will you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she says. “Sure” he replies. “Don’t you think you aught to write it down so you remember?” she says. “No, I can remember” he says. “Well, I want some strawberries on top too. You´d better write that down you are bound to forget that” she says. “I can remember that, bowl of ice cream with strawberries” he replies. “I´d like whipped cream on top as well, you are bound to forget that, so you had better write it down” she says. Irritated the man replies “ I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top, I´ve got it for goodness sake” Grumbling he goes into the kitchen. Twenty minutes later he comes back in the room and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a minute and then says…………………………………… ”Where´s my toast” Liked that one, Steve. Hope you dont mind but I pinched it

Posted By: Steve - SJD


Ken


:bsmile: LOL - I've already read it out to my brother :lol:

    Quote:
  • Liked that one, Steve. Hope you dont mind but I pinched it

Pinch away - how do you think I got it lol :lol:
Cheers
Steve

Posted By: THEredtrike

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for 6 months and on top of that, I´ve been with a loose woman” The priest sighs and says “Is that you, Tommy O`Shaughnessy?” Tommy “Yes Father, Tis I” Priest “And who might be the woman you were with?” Tommy “I shant be telling you, Father. It would ruin her reputation” Priest “Well, Tommy, I´m bound to find, so you might as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O`Malley” Tommy “I cannot say” Priest “ Was it Patricia Fitzgerald” Tommy “I´ll never tell” Priest “Was it Bridget O`Shanter” Tommy “I`m sorry, I´ll not name her” Priest “Cathy O`Dell” Tommy “My lips are sealed” Priest “Fiona Mallory then” Tommy “Please, father, I cannot tell you” The priest sighs in frustration “You´re a steadfast lad, Tommy, and I admire that. But, you have sinned and now you must atone. Be off with you” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend shuffles over and whispers “what did you get” Tommy says “5 more good leads”

Posted By: THEredtrike

1. Men are like ....... Laxatives [/color] ....... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .. Department Stores .....! Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....... Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ........ Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
:twisted:

Posted By: THEredtrike

10 Pinter – someone you would chat up only after 10 pints NBR – no beers required – someone you would chat up instantly without the use of beer goggles – the opposite of a 10 pinter Cider googles – Beer goggles for the younger drinker Mystery bus – The bus that arrives at the pub while you are in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive women so the pub is packed with stunner when you come back in. Mystery taxi – The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning, before you wake up. Whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 pinter in your bed instead. Not Beer Related A McPee – Entering a fast food establishment with no intention of buying any food, you are simply going to use the toilet. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration that you will buy their food afterwards is a McPee with lies.





Posted By: Steve - SJD

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers,.. | | | | "My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say!" :lol: :lol: :lol:



Posted By: fluffpiedi

Well done, but it seems the males are having it all their own way in this section. Give me time------------ Dianna

Posted By: kezzabelle

Dianna - my contribution to the cause..... :lol: A family were waiting for news from the doctor about an ill family member. The doctor came out with a very sombre look on his face and relayed the news to them. "I'm afraid the news is not good, we're going to need to do a brain transplant, and I'm afraid there is a cost involved for the brain to use." The family looked to each other and said "Well, whatever needs to be done - what's the cost?" The doctor said, "Well, we have a male brain we can use - that's £1000, or a female brain for £200." There were puzzled looks all round, trying to work this out, and some men were actually supressing sniggers. Then one of the male family members says "I do have to ask Doctor, why is there such a huge difference in the prices for the brains?" The doctor smiled at him and said, "Well we have to mark down the price of the female brain as it's actually been used...." O:)

Posted By: THEredtrike

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Posted By: THEredtrike

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. "Easy," she replied. "He only has one eye." The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. "He only has one ear," was her answer. "What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer." After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses." This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!" "Well," she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

Posted By: journeyman

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because! none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Graham

Posted By: Steve - SJD

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy". 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "...How's that?" "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it." 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat G*t!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So that was nice of them." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore". "Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't do it!" 23. The worlds worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Hope you liked them :lol: Cheers Steve

Posted By: THEredtrike

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. Did you realise There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Posted By: journeyman

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf This is really funny, just hold your curser over pic and move it around to see . graham

Posted By: THEredtrike

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Posted By: THEredtrike

[ :oops: Pulled ]

Posted By: THEredtrike

[ :oops: Pulled]

Posted By: Elizavet

I have just read this section for the first time call me a prude but i think the last few jokes are beyond a joke. Please not on this board, i remember we used to have a kids section what if they still monitor the board. I know I know you will probably be saying kids know a lot more than us, but i do not agree with this sort of stiff on a Cyprus board.

Posted By: Elizavet

Just to say I do not have a problem with this thread, I just felt the last few were getting a bit "near to the bone" I think Ken was just getting a bit carried away trying to compete in who knows the best jokes. :lol: :lol: Anyway I am sure most of us have read or seen them before :wink:

Posted By: Pai Gow

YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Posted By: THEredtrike

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a ......?"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily."I'm a Mum." "We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation...... 'housewife' covers it,"said the clerk emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she hadnot heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire! "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing programme of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole bloody family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree.?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the girl's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. When I got home, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 10, 7, and 3. Upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development programme, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had triumphed over bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mum." Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" , and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"??? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants". Author unknown..................but very smart

Posted By: THEredtrike

Part one 2 Irishmen walk into a petshop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy “Dats dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. “yeah, we´ll take four o´ dem budgiesin dat cage oop der” says Mick “put em in a pepper bag”. The shopkeeper does as he is asked, the 2 pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick´s van and drive until the get to a cliff with a 500 foot drop. “Dis looks like a grand place” says Mick. He then takes 2 birds out of the bag places one on each shoulder, and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a coulpe of seconds, then SPLAT. As Paddy looks over the edge, he shakes his head and says “stuff that. Budgie-jumpings to dangerous for me. Part two A few minutes later, Seamus turns up. He has too been to the pet hsop and is carrying the familiar ´pepper bag´. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag, and Paddy notices that he has a gun in his other hand. “watch this, Paddy” he says as he launches himself off the cliff. Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrots head off. Seamus continues to plummet until the is another SPLAT as he joins Mick at the base of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says “An´ oim never troyin´ dat parrot-shootin´ oider” Part three After a few more minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and is holding his ´pepper bag´. Instead of a budgie or a parrot, he pulls out a chicken, and hurls himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. “Jaysus, Sean, first der was Mick with der budgie-jumpin´ den Seamus´s parrot-shootin´ and now you ruddy hen-glidin´. I tink dis eggsteme sports aint for me.

Posted By: Steve - SJD

This one came courtesy of my daughters school newsletter: A nursery teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little who was working very diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The little girl replied "i'm drawing God" The teacher paused and said "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied: "They will in a minute!" :lol: Well I thought it was funny! Cheers Steve

Posted By: THEredtrike

Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. Pope Died Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married (again) 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again) 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. Pope Died In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another European crown.... please warn the Pope :-) .... Oh yes... and better let the Aussies know too!!!!

Posted By: THEredtrike

An old man goes to Heaven and sitting at the reception desk is Jesus, who tells the old man to come forward, and says “Welcome to Heaven. I have to take some details – could you tell me your name?” The old man replies “You would call me Joseph” And Jesus replies “Theres a coincidence, when I was on earth, my Fathers name was Joseph” And the old man says “Well, I had a little boy, you know, he´d be about you age by now” And Jesus says “Well how extraordinary….. but I left home when I was quite young” And the old man says “Yes, my little boy left home when he was young. He went away with friends, they got involved in magic and other mystical stuff” And Jesus saya “Another coincidence – how extraordinary, that’s exactly what happened to me. Tell me what was your job on earth” And the old man replies “I worked with wood” And Jesus says “ Another amazing coincidence, that was my fathers job too….you don’t think that you and I could be………” And the old man says “ No, you see my little boy wasn’t born like other little boys” And Jesus says “That´s how it was with me” And the old man says “ look, I would know my little boy anywhere, you see he has these little holes in his hands and feet” And Jesus says “you mean like this” And the old man says “I cant believe it” And Jesus says “You must believe it, so many coincidences, you must be my earthly father Joseph” And the old man says “And you must be my little boy Pinnochio”

Posted By: THEredtrike

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'guess' on it. I said, "thyroid problem? 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 6) My dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 7) Sex is like a game of bridge: if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'are you going to help?' I said 'no, six should be enough.' 9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? 10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Posted By: THEredtrike

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? ( all women now trying this )
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum? ( everybody now trying this )
5. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say,'my name is bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in china call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?


Posted By: THEredtrike

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80 's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee. 15) You never ever run out of salt. 16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 23) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Posted By: THEredtrike

wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm for it now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old f*rts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Posted By: jemrodger

mummy do they have chrismas in vietnam. no darling ,but they might hang glitter this year.

Posted By: Bobbeer

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!

Posted By: Janet

hoho, thats good!

Posted By: Pai Gow

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Posted By: Pai Gow

House Cleaning Poem !
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'putering',
And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click I did, and -oops- I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>
So nothing's changed except my mouse
Which is now very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess..
While I sit here on my hiney.

Posted By: Balconia

Like it Pai Gow !! Trouble is i can never get on the computer and when i do the kids kick me off !! So i probably have a clean house but a mucky mouse !!!

Posted By: Bobbeer

I am writing to warn you of something that happened to me, as I am the victim of the latest scam at Tesco while shopping. This could happen to you. Here's how the scam works. Two good looking women come to your car as you are placing your shopping in your car. One starts by wiping your windscreen while the other comes round to you saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. Then they beg you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and ask them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful out there!!!!!!!

Posted By: myndthistledown


I think this says it all

Posted By: THEredtrike

An old man went to the doctors with incredibly bad wind. As he sat in front of the doctor he said " I cant explain it but I have really bad wind, but they are completely silent and have no smell whatever. You probably dont realise it but while I have been sat here, I have broken wind at least 20 times. Is there anything that you can give me for this." The doctor just wrote out a prescription and handed it to the man without saying a word. The old gent went to the chemist and got the pills and started to take them straight away. One week later the codger was back at the doctor. Again he sat in from of him and said " I dont know what you gave me last time but it did nothing for my wond, in fact things have got worse. I dont just break wind now, they now smell as well and it is disgusting. They are still silent though". The doctor look at him and shouted " GOOD. NOW THAT WE HAVE CURED YOUR SINUS PROBLEM WE CAN WORK ON YOUR HEARING".

Posted By: journeyman

Department of Health Minister for Health Victoria Quay Walsgrave Hospital Coventry COVENTRY, January 26, 2006 IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PHYSICIANS AND NURSES CONFIDENTIAL Subject : New contamination possible in most Towns Recent studies conducted on "Bird Flu" (for which we have just received conclusive results) indicate that in certain cases this can now be transmitted to humans. We foresee a possible contamination in most Health Board areas. A Case has been reported in West Horndon, near Brentwood in Essex It was observed that the subject examined was a regular consumer of Cadburys Cream Eggs & Chicken nuggets. Most (97.6%) if you encounter serious problems with your vision. Then you seriously need to consider if you have attended any Hen Parties recently Extended periods of this illness would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods. If you encounter any such patients having these symptoms, keep well away from them, & please contact the Crisis Centre in Coventry were they can receive some Tamiflu Vaccine, immediately!!! Our research to date has resulted in no known cure, consumption of alcohol every day for 3 months!!! May help Please pass this document on to everyone you believe at risk!!!

Posted By: journeyman

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS
Part I







Posted By: trevnhil

Journeyman............ That "joke" is just so untrue...... The female, red line, has missed two if not three shops. You just know that could NEVER happen!! Trev..

Posted By: THEredtrike

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." " A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death " Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Posted By: THEredtrike

First man "Did the Dr give you your test results" Second man "Yeah. It looks as though all those years of phone sex have finally caught up with me - I have hearing aids"

Posted By: carollynne

David Beckham goes Horseriding David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time, David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has, by this time, slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his Foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along, David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams for help !!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse. :lol: carollynne

Posted By: Milschoice04

WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she. WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word ... An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many wo rds women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight ... Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. * * * * * God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Posted By: THEredtrike

When Arthur Davidson (of Harley Davidson motorcycles) died, he went to Heaven. At the gates St. Peter told him that as his motorcycles had changed the world, his reward would be to hang out with anyone of his choice. Of course Arthur chose God. So they met and God said "So whats the big deal in inventing something so unstable, poorly braked, noisy, polluting, which needs to have a smooth, straight hard surface to run on...?" Arthur wasnt fazed by this at all. "So this comes from the bloke that invented the woman.? Non-standardised front ends; chatters consistently at high speed; the rear end is too big, too soft and wobbles about; the intake is too close to the exhaust and the maintenance costs are astronomical.?" God was quite taken aback. He'd never thought of it like that. Typing a few selected search options into the celestial internet, his computer eventually printed out a piece of paper. God took it and read it. Presently he said to Arthur Davidson. "Well, it may be true that my6 invention is flawed... But according to these figures, more men are riding my invention than yours..!!" Biker joke - sorry

Posted By: Milschoice04

BBQ, a real man's cooking ...
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
Here comes the important part.
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women............
Mils

Posted By: THEredtrike

Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign leading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and A** Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." And they loved it. Better ones to follow, honest

Posted By: angela

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Posted By: THEredtrike

FAMILY FORTUNES 1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword 2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon 3) Name the capital of France? - F 4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell 5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar 6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital 7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil 8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock 9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde. 10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs 11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water 12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse 13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair 14) A famous Royal? - Mail 15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings 16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet 18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate 19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on 20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police 21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April 22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing 23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep 24) Something you put on walls? - A roof 25) Something slippery? - A conman 26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish 27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam 28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato 29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas 30) Something red? - My sweater RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2 Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube? Contestant: India. Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway? Contestant: Espresso.

Posted By: THEredtrike

The Royal navy have HMS written on the side of their ships, this means Her Majesty's ship. The Americans have USS written on the side of their ships, this means United states ship. The Italians have AMB. Anyone guess? All together now Attsa MA boat!! 4000 Gypsies die on the same day and 26 of them arrive at Heaven. God says to St Peter 'We have only an allowance for 18 per day, so you must decide who is coming in and who is going to the other place. See you at the Pearly gates'. 5 minutes later St Peter contacts God and says 'They've gone'. God replies 'What all 26 of them'. St Peter replies 'No, The flippin gates' Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson met in a bar 'And what do you do for a living young lady?' 'Oh well I'm a supermodel, what do you do?' 'I do Top gear' 'ooooooooh, can I have 5 grams please..........' A woman comes home and says to her hubby "The doctor has just told me that I have the breasts and waist of an 18 yr old" The hubby says " What did he say about your 40 year old fat bum?" The wife says "Well he never actually mentioned you......................" Mildred was a 93 yr old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband Earl. She decided to kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she calls the doctors office to enquire as to where exactly the heart would be on a woman. The doctor told her that her heart would be located just below her left breast. Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Posted By: Pai Gow

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant! That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." :? :( :?

Posted By: THEredtrike

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?'' The drunk answers, ''Yes, I am.''So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him Up and asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?'' The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again For a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and Asks again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?'' The drunk again answers, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.'' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and,when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher..................... . . . . . . . ''Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Posted By: Bobbeer

Check out this web page http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/

Posted By: angela

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do'. The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead'. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?

Posted By: journeyman

Makes it sound quite tempting really. Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle. IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day. AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK............you get more work for good behaviour. IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet. AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family. IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Posted By: Bobbeer

Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive Stuff. Three Rednecks were working on the Bell South tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

Posted By: THEredtrike

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Posted By: THEredtrike

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Posted By: THEredtrike

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put it on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Posted By: THEredtrike

How many men does it take to open a beer? None - It should be opened by the time she brings it ---------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. -------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was' Always' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Posted By: Milschoice04

THE RABBIT AND THE BLONDE A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (It's definitely a Blonde Joke!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Posted By: Milschoice04

Why the UK has a great sense of humour. 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) 2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times) 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) 6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo) A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions." 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!" 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." :wink: :D :lol:

Posted By: Pai Gow

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . . the Army are still looking for him!

Posted By: journeyman

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower. Graham

Posted By: THEredtrike

One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed. On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God,"You asked for it. "So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

Posted By: geoffanddeb

Graham, hilarious joke that. Not at all offensive or stereotypical, well done! Geoff

Posted By: journeyman

Subject: How to Hypnotize a Man For men only - women are not able to be hypnotized. This will keep you busy for a while. Believe me it works! Some women may enjoy it also Click on the link below and follow the directions. http://vili.us/hypno.html or cut and paste above. Graham

Posted By: Milschoice04

PERMISSION SLIPS
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband :
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total
Locations to be visited
Females with whom conversation
is permitted
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
À ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:
I’m going out.
Signed: (me
) _____________________________

Posted By: Milschoice04

Spot the Washing Machine and the Cooker.....
Every home should have one....The latest dual-purpose kitchen appliances - just the thing for an innovative homeworker / Mum?

How true!


Posted By: journeyman

Sorry Folk's had to edit this pic, but it looks real painfull to me.

Graham.
P.s Now who would go on a Holiday like this..... Check out name on Board at back.

Posted By: Steve - SJD

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around B&Q when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big chested, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." :lol: Funnily enough I was banned from B & Q today :cry: Wasn't even my fault I went in looking for some new patio stones and the assistant asked if i wanted decking, so I punched him first. :lol: Cheers Steve

Posted By: journeyman


Which way to the England match mate....
Graham

Posted By: cy

How To Give A Cat A Pill If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof! 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed} by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table. 15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

Posted By: cy

BASIC RULES FOR CATS BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN ** DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. ** CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. ** BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. ** HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. ** WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. ** BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. ** PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time. CAT GAMES: "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse! "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill. ** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. ** PAPER BAGS: within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match. ** FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed. a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. ** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise. ** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! ** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

Posted By: cy

I know its a long one, but give it a try! :-) :-)
English Pronounciation
Author unknown
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!

Posted By: Milschoice04

MEN - this is funny. This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. GIRLS - have a sense of humour! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least my girl now knows I'm smarter than her

Posted By: Tash

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me April who created the universe?" Little Johnny in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. "Who is our Saviour," asked the Teacher But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to the rescue and struck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good", And April fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?", And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F**KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A**E! :lol: ____________

Posted By: tannis

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Posted By: Milschoice04

A couple of old jokies... 1) One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.... Thank you for shopping at Tesco. ============================================================== 2)A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "£250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the little boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have football boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "£750" Man - "Sold." A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again, You're in my cupboard now!" Mils

Posted By: Tash

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Posted By: journeyman

There once was a family of four skunks. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk had two identical twin baby skunks named In Skunk and Out Skunk. Their parents named them as such because the only way they could tell one from the other was to keep In Skunk inside all the time and Out Skunk outside continually, except at meal time. When being fed, In Skunk would be inside to eat and when done In Skunk would go out and Out Skunk would come in to eat. After eating, Out Skunk would go back outside and In Skunk would come back in. They followed this ritual daily to avoid confusion. One day Mother Skunk had to go in to town and left Father Skunk to look after In Skunk and Out Skunk. As she was leaving, she reminded Father Skunk not to mix up the two, as the last time, it took a week to sort out which was which. Father Skunk just replied, "Don't worry dear. I can tell them apart." So off she went. When lunch time arrived, Father Skunk let Out Skunk in to eat without letting In Skunk outside. Mother Skunk just happened to come home at that time and was shocked! "I can't believe you mixed them up again!" she screamed. Father Skunk replied, "They're not mixed up. This is In Skunk and over there is Out Skunk!" Mother Skunk inquired, "How can you be so sure that is In Skunk and that one is Out Skunk"? "Simple!" said Father Skunk. "Instincts!" Graham

Posted By: Milschoice04

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian.".

Posted By: journeyman

Had to Edit first word, but you get the jist.

Graham

Posted By: Tash

:lol: :lol: Crows must be getting much smarter these days :wink:

Posted By: cy

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, " yes she did" "Well then tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Posted By: cy

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replied. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today!"

Posted By: Tash

HSBC are introducing a new service to their customers. They have decided to install Drive-Thru Cash Point machines. Please follow the procedures listed below that are relevant to your situation (i.e. male or female). Procedures for Men:- 1. Pull up to the cash point. 2. Wind down window. 3. Insert cash card and enter pin number. 4. Withdraw cash and remove cash card. 5. Wind up the window and drive off. Procedures for Women:- 1. Pull up to the cash point. 2. Now reverse and re-align the car closer to the cash point. 3. Re-start stalled engine 4. Re-position the car again as you are actually no closer to the cash point than you were when you started. 5. Apply the handbrake. 6. Empty the contents of your handbag onto the passenger seat to locate your cash card. 7. Put everything back into your handbag except the lipstick you just found that you thought you'd lost 4 months ago. 8. Apply lipstick with the aid of the rear view mirror. 9. Turn down the volume on the car radio. 10. Wind down the window. 11. Open the drivers door slightly to enable you to reach the cash point because you still haven't parked close enough. 12. Insert card. 13. Now remove your Boots bonus points card and insert your actual cash card. 14. Remove cash card and re-insert the correct way up. 15. Empty out the contents of your handbag onto the passenger seat again to locate your diary that has the pin number written inside the back page. 16. Enter pin number. 17. Now press cancel and re-enter the correct pin number this time. 18. Ponder for a few moments over how much cash you actually require (despite the fact that you have had the whole car journey to actually think about it). 19. Select amount of cash required. 20. Remove cash. 21. Re-empty contents of handbag onto passenger seat once more to locate purse. 22. Screw money up and place in purse. 23. Wind up window. 24. Turn car radio back up. 25. Check make-up again. 26. Pull off from cash point and drive for 3 metres before realising you have left your cash card still in the machine. 27. Reverse back to the cash point. 28. Get out of car and step across to cash point as it is not within reach from the car at all now. 29. Remove cash card and locate card holder from amongst the mess still on the passenger seat. 30. Place card in holder. 31. Re-start stalled engine again and drive for about 3 miles. 32. Smell burning? 33. Release handbrake. Sorry girls couldn't resist, as I have done this myself. :wink:

Posted By: journeyman

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*T and Ass kissing that will put you over the top graham

Posted By: journeyman

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie Brokeback Mountain 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!" 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!" 3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before." &nb sp; 4. "Howdy, pardner." 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind." 6. Two words: "Saddle Sore." 7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like." 8. "Let's mount up!" 9. "Nice spread ya got there!" 10. "Ride'em cowboy!" Goodday folks. Graham

Posted By: Tash

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Posted By: THEredtrike

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. The other says 'what the heck is that?' 'A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet'. 'Where did you get it from?' 'You can bet them from any drugstore' The next day, the second old lady hobbles herself into the locaal drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her a little strangely (she is after all over 80 years old), but very delicately asks her what brand of condom she prefers 'Doesnt matter, sonny, as long as they fit over a Camel' she says. The pharmacist fainted

Posted By: THEredtrike

There I was driving along in my car, and my boss rings up. 'you've been promoted' he says. I swerved. A little bit later, still driving along, the boss rings up again. 'promoted again' ha says. Again I swerved Later still and still driving, the boss calls again. 'you are now managing director' he announces. I swerve into a tree this time. A policeman came along and saked what happened. I said 'I carreered off the road'.

Posted By: THEredtrike

There I was driving along in my car, and my boss rings up. 'you've been promoted' he says. I swerved. A little bit later, still driving along, the boss rings up again. 'promoted again' ha says. Again I swerved Later still and still driving, the boss calls again. 'you are now managing director' he announces. I swerve into a tree this time. A policeman came along and asked what happened. I said 'I carreered off the road'.

Posted By: Milschoice04

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down
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You got Male!
Have a nice day,
Mils

Posted By: tannis

:lol: :lol: that cheered me up on this cold wet morning in newcastle Tracey x

Posted By: journeyman

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety..(wait for it. It's worth it)... After Tweety is caught, scroll down...(click on Pic to start it Off)



This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus - congratulations. You have! a negative IQ.

To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot !!!

Posted By: Milschoice04

Don't mess with 'er! A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag." Moral of the Story: Women are clever!!! Don't mess with them!! ======================================================================= Traditions die hard An American journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From the journalist’s vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. She approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines." Moral: Behind every man is a smart woman ================================================================== Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh and ...... Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain .... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone wedidn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain ...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars. and finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet. AND WER'E STILL PROUD TO BE BRITISH =======================================================================

Posted By: tannis

MILSCHOICE04 :lol: :lol: :lol: ..........the first one Tracey x

Posted By: Byker

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." . . . . . . The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.....

Posted By: journeyman

Subject: vasectomy? After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales. Graham

Posted By: geoffanddeb

And most effectively of all in Dorset!

Posted By: tannis

Definatley Dorset Tracey x

Posted By: journeyman

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: If only you could hear my High pitch . Graham

Posted By: stevecroad

1. Night clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum". 2. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 3. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key..." 4. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 5. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 6. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 7. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 8. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 9. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 10. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 11. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 12. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 13. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ Is it common?' "It's not unusual." 14. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. "My dogs cross-eyed, is there nothing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" 15. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start!" 16. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 18. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said "sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 19. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Steve, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Steve. 20. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 21. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 22. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 23. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 24. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Steve Croad

Posted By: tannis

14 & 24 my fav's. :lol: :lol: theyve woke me up, my hubby thinks im some sort of nutter sitting here laughing at 6.50 in the morning Tracey x

Posted By: Byker

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A stunning young blonde woman spoke up; "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Posted By: tannis

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Posted By: Byker

Sex Quotes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like: being spanked every day by an attractive middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for, later in life." Emo Phillips ------ "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns ----- "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen ------ "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield --- "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner ------ "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia ------ "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns ------ "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone ------ "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods ----- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson ------- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) ------ "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams ---- "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal ----- "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro ---- "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman ----- "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked" Jerry Seinfeld ---- "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams ------- "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers ------ "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

Posted By: Milschoice04

Effective from January 2007
Dress Code.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Happy New Year,
The Management

Posted By: THEredtrike

When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis... aint it the truth

Posted By: journeyman

Just in , they having a car boot sale at Elvington Airport York, lots of Bits and pieces for sale and all Top Gear. :lol: :lol: Graham

Posted By: THEredtrike

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends', I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.' And they say blondes are dumb............

Posted By: THEredtrike

How do you keep your husband from reading your e mails? rename the mail folder "Instruction manuals"

Posted By: THEredtrike

Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Posted By: journeyman

Benign..What you be after you be eight. Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section...A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her. Colic......................A sheep dog. Coma......................A punctuation mark. D&C.......................Where Washington is. Dilate.....................To live long. Enema....................Not a friend. Fester....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula.....................A small lie. G.I.Series...............World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid..... .A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates.................Cheaper than day rates. Node......................I knew it. Outpatient............A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..............A fatherhood test. Pelvis.....................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative.......A letter carrier. Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery. Rectum..................Damn near killed him. Secretion...............Hiding something Seizure...................Roman emperor. Tablet....................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport. Tumor....................More than one. Urine.....................Opposite of mine. Varicose.................Near by/close by. Graham

Posted By: Pegs

Note to the THEredtrike Nice piece of factual fiction but here's a piece of fictional fact... was it really Oswald ? Still an unsolved question....

Posted By: Milschoice04

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.... Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contacin himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane go into the woods. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her skirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his trousers, then Aunt Jane........... At this point Mummy cut him off and said, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to look at Daddy's face when you tell it tonight !! At the dinner table Mummy asks little Johnny to tell the story. Johnny started.... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to have a look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her skirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off..... then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army !! (Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt)

Posted By: THEredtrike

A door to door salesman knocked on a door on afternoon and it was answered by a boy of about 10 years old. The boy was wearing stckings and suspenders a basque and full make up, a full glass of wine in one hand and a large lit cigar in the other. Not being put off by this the salesman says "Is your mother in, son?" The boy replies "Does it flippin' look like it?"

Posted By: ChrisP

Bit Rude This One. Those easily offended do not read on. Three men comparing their abilities as lovers. A Frenchman, Italian man and an English man from Yorkshire. The Frenchman tells his comrades. (In a French Accent) When I make love to a woman, I kiss her stomach and caress her all over as she lays on the bed. Gently she arches her back with pleasure as I join with her!! The Italian man tells his comrades. (Italian accent of course) When I am making love to my lady, I undress her slowly and put cream all over her body and lick it off slowly, she arches her body so much with pleasure she almost raises her body off the bed!! The Yorkshire man thinks for a moment, and declares himself completely unimpressed. Eh up thats nowt lads. I go downt t pub on a saturday night, drink 20 pints, go home, shag the missus, when I finish I wipe my dick on the curtains, guaranteed she will go up the bloody wall!!!

Posted By: journeyman

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Posted By: Milschoice04

A couple of oldies..... A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. "How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big a*se and long legs who agrees with everything I say." ===================================== Subject: Italian Boy's Confession An altar boy goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, "Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "4 months vacation and five good leads."

Posted By: THEredtrike

Why do female Spiders kill the male spiders after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts How do you turn a Dishwasher into a snow plough? Give her a shovel A man's son asked why wedding dresses were white, and the man replied that all kitchen appliances came in white How does a woman stop her husband from reading her e mails? She renames the folder 'instruction manuals' Why do men become smarter during love making? Because they are plugged into a genius Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth closed

Posted By: THEredtrike

A man walked into a bar at around 9:58 and sat down next to a blonde (yes another blonde joke) who was staring up at the TV. The 10 O'clock news had just started and the news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a high building, preparing to jump. The blonde looked at the man and said "Do you think he will jump?" He said "you know, I bet he will." The blonde replied "Well, I bet he wont." He placed 30 quid on the bar and said "You're on" Just as the blonde plaaaced her money on the bar, the guy did a swallow dive off the building and splattered all over the ground. The blonde was very upset as she handed over her 30 pounds to the man. "Heres your money, fairs fair" He replied "I cant take your money, I saw all this on the 6 O'clock news and Knew he would jump!" The blonde replied " I did too, but I didnt think he would do it a second time."

Posted By: THEredtrike

A business man boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies "This is a very interesting book. It says that the American indians have the longestpenises and yet Greek men are the best in bed. By the way my name is Jill, whats your's?" "Tonto Popadopoulos, nice to meet you"

Posted By: THEredtrike

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other says "Whats that?". The other says "A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet." "Where did you get it?" "you can get them at any drugstore" The next day, the second old lady hobbles to the drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks her what brand she prefers. "doesnt matter, sonny, as long as it fits on a camel" she says The pharmacist fainted.

Posted By: THEredtrike

Mamma mole, Pappa mole and baby mole all live in a little hole. One day Pappa mole sticks his heaad out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "yum! I smell maple syrup!" Then Mamma mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "yum! I smell strawberry jam!" Finally baby mole tries to stick his head out the hole to sniff the air, but he cant because Pappa mole and Mamma mole are both in the way. He whines, "jeez, all I can smell is molasses"

Posted By: THEredtrike

Your Driver's License Tells It All.....too cute!! A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom w on't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

Posted By: THEredtrike

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts? What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Posted By: Milschoice04

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood testand see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the littlepaper bag. "Have you been having unprotected s*x?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drugusers?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homos*xual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor . . . . . "Your mother must have been a carrier"

Posted By: kipper889

Mills, I love that!! thanks. Ruth

Posted By: Milschoice04

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?" (Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are going to love this! ) >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > A little voice came out of the box:........... >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on."

Posted By: Milschoice04

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car and on closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Posted By: Bobbeer

A couple are on their honeymoon and just about to consummate their marriage when the wife says, "I'm not a virgin you know." The husband replies, "That's OK, it's no big deal in this day and age." "Well I have only ever been with one guy." "Who was the guy ?" "Tiger Woods." "Wow, he's talented, rich and famous. I can see why you would go to bed with him." They then make make passionate love and afterwards the husband picks up the bedside telephone. "What are you doing ?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry, I'm going to call room service and have some food sent up." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah, what would Tiger do then ?" "He'd make love to me a second time." He puts down the phone and makes love to her a second time, and when finished he picks up the phone again. "Now what are you doing ?" "I'm ravenous, I have to eat ! ! ! " "Tiger wouldn't do that, he'd just make love to me again." He slams down the phone, and then proceeds to make love to her a third time. When he's finished he wearily picks the phone up again. "You're not calling room service are you darling ?" the wife asks. > > > > > "No ! ! ! I thought I would ring Tiger Woods and find out what the Par is for this hole ! ! ! "

Posted By: Byker

...After their recent defeat in the Cricket World Cup by Ireland, the entire Pakistani cricket team have decided to give up the game and take up Bob-Sleighing! :wink:

Posted By: journeyman

> HARVARD READING TEST > This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard > University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without > a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it! > > 1 This is this cat > 2. This is is cat > 3. This is how cat > 4. This is to cat > 5. This is keep cat > 6. This is an cat > 7. This is old cat > 8. This is fart cat > 9. This is busy cat > 10. This is for cat > 11. This is forty cat > 12. This is seconds cat > > Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and > I'll bet you can't resist passing it on. > > PLEASE NOTE: for those of you not YET over 50, your day will come!!!!:-)

Posted By: THEredtrike

Sorry but I had to put these in cos they made me giggle These are genuine clips from letters sent to the >Council Housing >Department............... > > > > > >1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it. > >2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. > >3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. > >4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt >my knob off. > >5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he >put his foot in the hole in his back passage. > >6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against >my fence. > >7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet >roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. > >8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? > >9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife >tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. > >10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. > >11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just plain filthy. > >12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers. > >13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is >cleared. > >14. Will you please send a man to look at my water,it is a funny >colour and not fit to drink. > >15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. > >16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is >unsightly and dangerous. > >17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a >third so please send someone round to do something about it. > >18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. > >19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy >my wife. > >20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still >I have no satisfaction. > >21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we >can't get BBC2.

Posted By: jon

Brilliant :clap:

Posted By: journeyman

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ???? Can you cry under water? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, have the same tune? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted By: THEredtrike

SARCASM AT IT'S FINEST I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my privates and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid woman..........why else would I buy dog food?!

Posted By: Ristac

I didn't want to start a new thread but something that will make you smile and think :shock: :shock: :shock: at the same time... Visit www.amazon.co.uk and search for 'condoms' now do you notice anything strange? Scroll down if you missed it.... You didn't see the Amazon adverts for "4 Used & new"..... USED??

Posted By: Bobbeer

The lad who did the glasgow bombing at the airport, was in the hospital ward, and before he died, he called for the matron to make a complaint. "Whats up" asked the matron "Well he said, every meal is haggis like or lump it, it's haggis morning noon and night, and then every afternoon, some prat is reading out poems very loud for everybody to hear and it is not so good on the ears, and then every night from 6 pm to midnight, some other prat is blowing away on the bagpipes, I've heard every scottish song that there is to play on the bagpipes and it's driving me crazy, what is going on, matron?" "Och away with you, she said, dont you know this is the burns ward!!!"

Posted By: Bobbeer

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman shouts "Awa ye feel hoor thats full o coos Sharn" (dont drink the water, its full of cow sh*t) The man shouts back, "I`m English, speak English, I dont understand you" The Scotsman shouts back, "Use both hands, you`ll get more in"

Posted By: Bevo

:lol: :lol: :lol: great !!

Posted By: Bobbeer

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan " What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly ba?!?rd. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right." A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

Posted By: Jacs

Why is there only one monopoly's commission?

Posted By: journeyman

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife; she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' John continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over; women like that are hard to find.' Graham

Posted By: journeyman

& Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. & Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. & Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. & Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. & Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. & Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). & Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. & Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. & Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. & Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. & Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. & Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. & Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. & Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. & Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. & Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. & Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly. & Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet. & Wilson 's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!) & Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


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