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Posted By: kipper889

Thanks Kwacka. Helpful post.

Posted By: Hogarth55

Thank you all for your heartfelt thoughts. It seems that all our kids are lucky in that we talk to them, our house was always full of teenagers when Ardle was young, we encouraged it, even if it was a pain at times, and Ardle's bedroom was always like a tip! we still talk at legnth about everything. It shows that no mater how you try, it will work for one kid, but not another though, as this has been proved with my other offspring. some people it seems press a self-destruct button that no-one can keep their finger off. Ardle told me on the web-cam, he couldn't speak at first, then he put his hands in his head and said'I have bad news mum' my whole body stiffened and my heart went into overdrive, well, you will all know what i mean. However, any young life lodt is a tragedy, and as Kwacka says, no-one can see the signs.

Posted By: Hogarth55

God Jinty, That was a sore one x

Posted By: Jinty

My best friend died when we were in holiday in Cyprus last year and her 42 year old son hanged himself 6 weeks later. The shock was enormous as he was a lad with the sunniest of smiles and nature.
I found myself really angry at him as he had left a very loving and close family, (his wife , 16 year old son and 21 year old daughter), totally bereft. I found it very difficult that not only did he hang himself but knew it was his little family who would find him (a tree in his back garden).
However my sister listened to me rant then said, 'don't judge him, you know Grant, and for him to have done this he must have been in the darkest of places that pray God we will never know about'.
Wise words and I then began to grieve for 2 lovely people whom I cared deeply about.

Posted By: Kwacka

Pam, I'm saddened to hear your tragic news - what a waste. During my 23 years experience of working with people with mental health problems I learned that the question "Why?" is one of the most destructive of all - so very rarely to we find an answer despite hours, days, weeks trying; usually because there isn't an answer. Other destructive thoughts include "should" statements - "I should have done X" or "I shouldn't have done Y" - when we ask ourselves "Why should I" the only answer that we can come up with is "because I should have, shouldn't I?" I recall one man who was detained in a psychiatric hospital because he was suicidal. After several weeks of marked improvement and he went home for the week-end. He hanged himself. If a group of trained psychiatric nurses, a psychologist, a consultant psychiatrist and his registrar failed to see the signs - even when they were looking for them - why should anybody else expect to be able to? He showed us what he wanted us to see. What I am trying to say is, your son has nothing to reproach himself for. Mourn his friend, yes. Regret that his friend chose not to turn to others for help, yes. But the decision of his friend to take his life was his decision not your son's - he is in no way to blame.

Posted By: Jinty

It was Pam, still unbelievable......... Thanks Jinty

Posted By: contrarymary

Oh Pam, I am so sorry, your son must be heartbroken, that is so sad.

Posted By: May Wallace

Pam Im really sorry to hear you sad news. We also have had a friend many years ago who committed suicide (like Ruth;s situation we were on holiday and came back to the news) and felt guilty that we were not here . As Kwacka's said in his post no one saw any signs and although we felt guilty and Ardle probably does as well at this minute there is nothing he could have done as they hide their emotions so even if we had been at home we could'nt have done anything as we did not think for one minute he would have done what he did. May

Posted By: Hogarth55

My Son, Ardle, has called us to say his friend, 26 years old has hung himself. Ardle is 33, but they have been good mates for some time, and we have met this lad many a time. Why? what a waste of a young life, a good looking lad, and so nice to talk to. He has left an eight page letter, but of course Ardle doesn't know the contents yet. Drugs were not the reason, that's the first thing I asked, but he had money worries, surely not a reason to kill yourself? I think suiside is getting more common amongst youg folk, a sign of the times? what? Ardle is gutted, he says he never saw the signs, and is kicking himself for it. Ryan-the lads name, has left a three year old girl.

Posted By: kipper889

Hi Pam, Suicide, where to start with the reasons why? My Husband's best friend did the deed when he was 25, (23 years ago) we got back from holiday to find 20 messages left from him trying to contact Chris (hubby) Chris was devastated that he wasn't at home to receive them. Has never forgiven himself. He was a kid that was born to a teenage mother, mixed race, given into care and lived from care home to care home. Lived with my hubby in a bedsit as teenagers, loved by all the girls, so good looking. Found the girl of his dreams, was accepted into her family. Then she left him. Another dream shattered. I just think he couldn't take another rejection. He hung himself, knowing she would be the first to find him. (that poor girl) His name was Paul and we have given our No. 1 son his name. I'm not sure that it is more prolific now, is it? Don't have the statistics. Perhaps just more reported. Sympathy to Ardle I know how helpless he feels. If only. Ruth

Posted By: househunter

Suicide is extremely sad and frightening, unfortunately it seems more commonplace these days. Don't know if this is due to it being more publicized or not. There are such high expectations on people these days the "pressures" must be enormous. My son is only at National School but the stuff he is doing now compared to my own education really does not compare. Luckily, I do not compare myself with others as there will always be someone who seems to be doing better but why should I compare myself to them? I'm doing OK for myself and that is what matters to me! Hopefully I can impart the same qualities in my son where he and he alone can decide for himself if he is doing OK for himself and not make comparisons. Personally I feel that the pressures and the fear of not meeting other people's expectations is a high contributing factor to suicide and even personal relationships seem to be based on different levels these days? Sorry if I'm rambling but people seem to be under fierce pressures these days and from every suicide I've come across the signs are very rarely there. Even years later people are still trying to find signs that they may have missed. People often feel guilty that they did not see the "signs" but normally there aren't any. Not sure if this helps but I send my commiserations.

Posted By: kipper889

HH said:
  • People often feel guilty that they did not see the "signs" but normally there aren't any.

So often the case. When we spoke to the family involved they had seen no signs and believed Paul was his usual self no 'signs' whatsoever, but there was those 20 messeges asking him to ring. left to his friend, no one else. :cry: We will never know.
PS. it is a depressing subject Pam, but one that needs to be talked about.

Posted By: kipper889

Sorry for a further post, HH you talk about your son and the pressure he is under to do well at school etc. etc. As long as he has the support of his family (which you are giving him) and friends I don't think the pressure will overcome him, I think when the individual thinks they have nowhere to turn to for help the problem starts. We have to keep the door open to talk, encourage conversation. My hubby drives our kids mad by constantly asking them if they have any worries at school or in life generally, but they know they can talk to us whenever and whatever is bothering them. Ruth

Posted By: Charnwood Fox

When "The Black Dog" takes hold it can be very difficult to shake him off! Been there, done that, but luckily shaken him off.

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