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View The Full Original Topic: As a little light relief - remember Tommy Cooper?

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Posted By: steviek987

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy mariju@n@,press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! 15. What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat twit!" 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'. "Wasn't that nice!" 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" :roll:

Posted By: brian16

Tommy Cooper, probably one of the best comedians that ever lived, certainly my favourite of all time.

Posted By: Road Warrior

Wife says to her husband, "It's no good, I'm homesick." The husband says, "But this is your home", the wife says, ......................ah, you are way ahead of me, now, on of my TC favourites.

Posted By: Balconia

What a legend Tommy Cooper was. He could always make me laugh even when he wasn't saying anything :lol: :lol:

Posted By: Kathyoke

I slept like a log last night, woke up in the fireplace...........

Posted By: Kathyoke

Anyone think that Robert McCaffrey off Sky Sports looks like Tommy Cooper?

:P :P

Posted By: Santorini Paul 1

Just started a whisky diet... It's great, I've lost 3 days already.

Posted By: Hattie

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are!'

Posted By: Balconia

And remember the song: Daddy came home from work tired His boss had been driving him mad. The kids were all shouting, the dog bit him too His dinner was nothing but boiled over stew. I guess it was then he decided Up to the rooftop he'd go He was about to jump off when The kids started howling below 'Don't jump off the roof, Dad You'll make a hole in the yard Mother's just planted petunias The weeding and seeding was hard If you must end it all, Dad Won't you please give us a break Just take a walk down the park, Dad And there you can jump in the lake.' :lol: :lol: :lol: Happy Days.

Posted By: Lindy

.. a man goes to see the Doctor. 'Doc, I keep thinking I'm a spoon' - Doc replies ' Sit there and don't stir'.
I saw Tommy Cooper in the late 60s, when he appeared at The Fiesta in Stockton. At age 16, I wasn't really a fan, but he was hilarious.
Ah... happy days.

Posted By: brian16

What's the most common owl in the UK? "The Barn Owl?"........No "The Tawny Owl?"............No "The Brown Owl?"...............No "OK I give up, what is the most common owl in the UK?" "The teat!"

Posted By: Kathyoke

"A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."

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